A Dictionary For These Times

　　Dear Mr. Martian,

　　(1) I understand you may be somewhat confused by the confusing, science-fictive ways you encounter here on our alien planet. I’m hoping this may help your find you way around them.

　　(2) Affirmation means ______. (Thus, for example, Magic Johnson approaches his life-threatening disease with optimism and good nature. This means he is “in denial.” An optimist is only a pessimist who hasn’t yet come out. Yes, in short, means no. This is different however, from the fact that no means yes. That is what men say when women don’t say yes to them.)

　　(3) Challenge means ______. (A “Physically challenged” person is one who used to be called “disabled” or “handicapped” — to wit, one who has been dealt a bad blow by circumstance. To give him this more friendly sounding title is an attempt to affirm possibility on his behalf — in other words, to be in denial.)

　　(4) Cool means hot. (This, of course, you’ve known for a while. Almost anything that people say is “cool” is sure to be “hot.” If something’s “bad,” that means it’s “good.” If it’s “in,” though, that means it’s on the way out. After all, “give in” and “give out” mean the same thing.)

　　(5) Diversity means ______. (If someone wants a “diverse” student body, say, that means he wants one in which everyone is more or less like him. This is only logical, because “minorities” tend to be in the majority now. Thus “equal opportunity” usually means “unequal,” since some are more equal — or is it unequal? — than others.

　　(6) East means west. (The “Far East” is — naturally — to the west of the “Far West,” and the East Coast is one of the westernmost parts of the Western world. Don’t worry, though: according to a U.S. President, yes means no in the East anyway, while in the more logical West, “a fat chance” means a very thin one.)

　　(7) Father means son. (Thus, for example, Bill Wyman’s son is marrying the mother of Bill Wyman’s wife. Bill Wyman will soon be his son’s son-in-law, as well as father of his father-in-law. It’s easy to tell a girl from a boy, however. Boys are the ones with earrings? and long hair; girls are the ones with trousers and short hair. “Mother,” of course, is the worst name you can call someone. That is because mothers are not, in many contexts, objects of worship.)

　　(8) Friends means ______. (If someone says, “Can’t we just be friends?,” that usually means you’ve got a po-tential enemy for life. But don’t lose hope: in many parts of the world, your enemy’s enemy is your friend. That is a result of the law whereby two rights make a wrong.)

　　(9) Inner city means outer space. (The people who live in the “inner city” are nearly always outsiders, and “insiders” live as far as possible from the heart of things. Likewise, the “inner child,” for most adults, is even more far out.)

　　(10) Interests mean ______. (As in the “interests” people list in “personal ads” —“Schoenberg, late Heideg-ger and Hustler” — or in the bodies known as “interest groups.” Of Course, you will already have found that “personal” in any case means “impersonal”; thus a “personal ad” is, in fact, a highly impersonal solicitation? for companionship.)

　　(11) Left means right. (In places like the former Soviet Union, the “rightists” are the conservatives, who are most attached to communism — in other words, the people furthest on the left.

　　(12) New means old. (Thus a “new idea” — in Hollywood, for example — means an old idea that is not under copyright. Something that happened yesterday, though, is “old news.”)

　　(13) Pleasure means ______. (The giving of pleasure is one of the most lucrative businesses around, and not only in the red-light district. Thus people who “play games” for a living sign contracts for $43 million — much more than people who merely work. Those who can sing may get up to $100 million.)

　　(14) Ruler means ______. (Anyone who is a member of a royal family is, by law, subject to the nation. Thus the princesses of Britain, say, are employees of the people, used as tourist attractions and given free board and lodging in return for affording the rest of us some entertainment. You may remember how the old kings — like Henry V — used to spy on their subjects; now it’s the subjects who spy on their rulers. Dieu et mon droit.)

　　(15) Small means mid-size. (If you are renting a car, you need to remember that “small” is several sizes larger than the smallest size. And in McDonald’s, “a small” order of fries is now a regular-size order, which is differ-ent from the situation in most places, where the “regular” size is very small.)

　　(16) War means peace. (Thus the “cold war” was a way of maintaining a delicate peace between two militant superpowers. The “war against drugs” means saying “Just say no” several times and hoping that people under the influence won’t take a no for a yes.)

　　(17) Oh, and one more thing. Alien means resident. (As in “I live here because I’m a ‘resident alien.’ “You’ll see lots of “aliens” in the U.S. — they are the people who come from other countries, as opposed to “real Americans,” who are people who came from other countries a little while ago.)

　　(18) I hope that all makes sense. I’m sure you will find our world as clear as anything on your planet.

　　【参考译文】

　　新时代字典

　　亲爱的火星人：

　　(1)我了解您在我们这个外星人星球上碰到的许多颠三倒四、科幻小说式的情形，可能让您有点困惑。希望以下的说明能帮您克服这些障碍。

　　(2)肯定就是否认。(譬如魔术师约翰逊用乐观、随和的态度来对待他患的致命的疾病。这表示他在“否认”。乐观者只是还不肯承认的悲观者。简单讲，说“是”的意思就是“不”。不过这和另一种状况不同：说“不”意思就是“是”。那是男人说的：“在女人不肯对他说“是”的时候。)

　　(3) 挑战就是丧失。(一个“身体受挑战”的人就是从前叫做“失能”或“残障”的人——例如曾遭到命运严重打击的人。用现在这个听起来比较友善的名称来称呼他，是为了肯定他的可能性——也就是否认的意思。)

　　(4) 冷就是热。(这一点当然您早就知道了。只要是别人说“酷”的东西几乎一定很热门。如果说这个东西很“坏”，那就是说它很“棒”的意思。可是如果说一个东西是“in”[流行]，那就是说它快要out [出局]了。毕竟give in 和give out 的意思是一样的。)

　　(5) 多样性就是单一性。(如果有人说他们希望抬收进来的学生有“多样性”，意思是说他要的学生每一个都和他自己是差不多的人。这也很合理，因为“少数”民族现在有占“多数”的倾向。所以“平等机会”通常表示“不平等”的意思，因为有人比别人更平等——或者该说更不平等？

　　(6) 东方就是西方。(所谓“远东”当然就是在“远西”的更西方。美国东海岸也是西方世界最“西”化的地方。不过您也不用担心，有一位美国总统就说过，反正在东方“是”就表示“不”。而在比较合乎逻辑的西方，“机会大得很”意思是成功的机会太小了。)

　　(7)父就是子。(例如，比尔怀曼的儿子要和比尔怀曼的丈母娘结婚了。比尔怀曼马上就是他儿子的女婿了，他的老丈人则要叫他爸爸。这是有点乱，不过男人女人倒很容易分。戴耳环留长发的就是男人，穿长裤留短发的就是女人。“妈妈”当然是骂人最难听的脏话。这是因为妈妈在许多状况下都是崇拜的对象。)

　　(8) 朋友就是敌人。(如果有人说：“我们不能只做朋友吗？”那通常表示你结下了一个一辈子的敌人。可是也别灰心：世界上有许多地方，敌人的敌人就是朋友。这是根据“正正得负”定律导出来的结果。)

　　(9) 都市内部就是外太空。(住在“都市内部”的人几乎都是圈外人，而“圈内人”则尽量避开问题的核心。同样的，大部分成年人“内心的小孩”更是超乎想象之外。)

　　(10)兴趣就是无聊。(好比您看到“个人广告”上那些人列出来的“兴趣”——“勋伯格、后期海德格尔和《哈骚客》”——或者是所谓 “利益团体”中的“兴趣”。当然，您一定已经了解所谓“个人”反正指的是“非个人”；所以所谓“个人广告”其实是完全不针对个人的征友广告。)

　　⑾ 左就是右。(在前苏联之类的地方，所谓“右派”是保守派，也就是最服膺共产主义的人——所以就是立场最左的人。)

　　⑿ 新就是旧。(所以一个新点子——好比在好莱坞——就是还没有申请版权的旧点子。而昨天才发生的事情就算“旧新闻”了。)

　　⒀ 享乐就是事业。(提供享乐是最赚钱的行业之一，还不只红灯区是如此。所以“玩游戏、打球”谋生的人签约一签就是4300万——比光会工作的人多多了。会唱歌的更可以拿到1亿的合约。)

　　⒁ 统治者就是子民。(凡属于皇室的人士按法律规定就是国家的臣民，所以好比英国的王妃们就是人民聘请的员工，用来吸引观光客，管吃管住，以替人们提供娱乐。您可能还记得从前的国王——像亨利五世——会偷偷刺探他的臣民，现在则是臣民刺探统治者的隐私。天主、吾皇万岁！)

　　⒂ 小号就是中号。(如果您去租车，要记得“小型”比起最小的汽车要大上好几号。而且在麦当劳，一客小薯条现在是中的了。这和大部分的情形相反。一般您要的中号都小得很。

　　⒃ 战争就是和平。(所以“冷战”从前是两个交战的超级大国之间维持脆弱和平的办法。“对毒品宣战”的意思就是把“只要说不”念上几遍，然后希望那些吸毒吸到不分东南西北的人不会把“不”误当为“是”。)

　　⒄ 对了，还有一点。外来人口就是居民。(好比说“我住在这，因为我是‘有居留权的外来人口’”。在美国您可以看到很多“外来人口”，就是从外国来的人，这和“真正的美国人”不一样——真正的美国人是不久前从外国来的。)

　　⒅ 希望您都弄清楚 了。我相信您会觉得我们的世界和您的星球一样的清楚明白。